This is still very new to me. I've had VERY important people in my life pass away but I was younger, they weren't completely dependent on me for care, and they were older and sick. So holding my beautiful son one night and then not the next is still hard to understand. And while I know that my Grandpa and Aunt Deb are looking down watching, I FEEL like Maxton is all around me. He is with me in the car and in bed snuggling between his Mommy and Daddy. We have "Max Time" while I am in the shower...I completely let my thoughts go and I get to talk to my little man. Kevin says this is ok for now but in about 10 years I probably shouldn't be talking to my son while I'm naked. :) I want to include him in things so I have one of his socks stuffed in my purse and I carried around his pinwheel like I was a proud Mommy. It makes me feel better knowing that I can still physically have a part of Maxton with me. But this is where it gets confusing. I'm not sure where exactly to draw the line on these things. I went to read to Max's grave last weekend and I really felt close to him. I liked it so much I thought that I should just go back later that day with a towel and my swimming suit to get a tan. Obviously that one crossed the line as my family looked at me like I was crazy! :) I want to "include" him in future family pictures but I don't want to look like a lunatic.
So I guess what I'm asking is for everyone to be patient with me. If you see me talking to myself, or rocking my stuffed turtle, or laying in a cemetery just smile and know that I am "with" my Max and that I am not crazy and I will eventually figure everything out.
So I guess what I'm asking is for everyone to be patient with me. If you see me talking to myself, or rocking my stuffed turtle, or laying in a cemetery just smile and know that I am "with" my Max and that I am not crazy and I will eventually figure everything out.
Kelci, Every time I read your blog I think "Wow! she is so much stronger than me!" You are such a brave and wonderful person to be able voice how you are truly feeling! I think about you guys almost everyday and I hope that each day gets easier! Continue to stay strong and cherish every moment you have!
ReplyDeleteOh Kelci your such an amazing, beautiful, strong woman! I think that "Max Time" is pretty wonderful! I pray with time you figure it out (which I know you will). But for now everything you do for Maxton is all normal. I think of you guys often. We floated the river the other day. I seen a turtle sitting on a log and it brought me to think about you guys. You guys have impacted my life so much. I will contiune to pray for your family. >HUGS<
ReplyDeleteKelci-
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to portions of this post! When mom died I used to go out to the cemetary and eat lunch with "her" everyday for the first 5-6 month. When you love someone so much that relationship does not and cannot stop with death. By keeping Max a part of your everyday life you honor that love! As for future family pics I think you ought to include him in a way you understand. I have a family that I do portraits for that lost a son to SIDS also. When they take pictures we also make sure to include something that reminds them of him. Love you!!!!
Wow, i should really get into this. I am really behind on the posts but I wanted to let you know that you were/are not alone. Ty and i went back and watched the sun set with Gunner after the funeral. I went and ate lunch several times. I even became EXTREMELY fond of toads because a few months after his death there were little toads burrowed in above where his final resting place is. I still turn the steering wheel to avoid hitting one. I cried at work about a month ago because i caught one under the door and was afraid I killed it. (I didn't though! He is still alive and Kickin!!!) I slept with a bear for probably a good 4 months and now it sits on my dresser until i can find a frame. I would sit in his room and talk to him. I went to his grave every day for a good year. You are strong. You are not doing anything that isn't normal. You take your time with Max.
ReplyDeleteLove, Abbie
The toads let me know that there was life after death.....
ReplyDeleteHi Kelsi. I have this friend who lost her little girl, short after she found out she was pregnant. in every single picture since then she has a framed picture of her little girl. My favorite is Daddy is holding baby boy and mommy is holding brooklyn (framed picture). I think it is very important for him to be involved in your family, because Max is an important part of your family. It should stay that way.
ReplyDeleteI still think about you guys a lot.