Prayer

Boy how my prayers have changed over the last few months. I will start by saying that I was never really a "stop everything and pray" kind of girl. When I read posts asking for prayers on Facebook I generally would think of the individual or situation for a few seconds and then move on. If there were someone or something that I felt strongly about I would pray for miracles, asking God to cure or fix whatever needed to be cured or fixed completely. I know miracles happen...I've seen them. I have also witnessed miracles not happen. Hence my new prayer "strategy". Now days as I scroll through FB, the prayer requests really catch my attention. I stop at that very moment and say my "revised" miracle prayer. I ask God to heal the person completely as I did before but at the end I throw in a little twist. I now include a part asking God to also look after the people who love the sick or injured person and to let them know that sometimes miracles don't happen but that they will make it through. And at the very end I say something along the lines of "please help everyone to know that the love they have for each other will still be present even if they can't be together on Earth."

I think it's amazing how much an eight week old beautiful baby boy taught his Momma about prayer and life. I love you Maxton and I miss you.

One Sad Day

Today is the day that my handsome man has been in Heaven longer than he was on Earth. This makes me hurt. :(

Mommy loves you and misses you Maxton!

You Are My Sunshine

When I found out I was pregnant I read EVERY piece of literature about tips for a successful pregnancy I could get my hands on. I read books, blogs, magazines, and random websites. I found quite a few recommendations that said to sing a particular song to your baby while in utero. The theory being that the baby (after being born) would recognize the song and it would have a soothing effect on him/her. So early on I chose the song You Are My Sunshine or rather it chose me. I've never particularly enjoyed the song but for some reason that's the one that came to me in the shower every morning. So I sang that one verse song to my Max over and over again while he was still in my belly, hoping that it would produce the desired effects in the future. I kind of got tired of singing that same verse but I had chosen that song and I stuck with it. After Maxton was born I sang it to him often. I couldn't ever tell if he actually recognized that exact tune or if he just enjoyed his Mommy's singing. :) While at my Grandma's house one afternoon I learned that the song actually had more to it. I tried remembering the second part but I never quite mastered it and had to call G-ma a few times to re-learn the new words. When Maxton went to the hospital I tried to sing this song to him hoping that maybe the tune would cause something to fire in his beautiful head. I was really having trouble with the words and out of nowhere one of the awesome nurses brought me a copy of the WHOLE entire song. It turns out that the part I was singing was the "chorus" and there were over five versus.
I had always thought that song was a little strange but at the hospital while I was singing it to my son I realized there had to be a reason this song was the one I chose from the beginning. If you don't understand you will in a second. Here are a few of the words:

You are my Sunshine
My only Sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my Sunshine away.

The other night, dear,
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I help you in my arms.
When I awoke, dear,
I was mistaken
And I hung my head down and cried.

Above are the two parts of the song that I regularly sang to Max. The following parts are ones that I learned at the hospital. And while they are about a man and his lover they seemed to somehow fit the situation between my baby and me. I know that Maxton didn't have a choice in leaving but I can't help but to think that maybe he sometimes wishes he could of stayed with his Mommy at least a little bit longer.

I'll always love you
And make you happy
If you will only say the same
But if you leave me
To love another
You'll regret it all some day.

You told me once, dear,
You really loved me
And no one else could come between
But now you've left me
And love another
You have shattered all my dreams.



Mr. Max will always be this Mommy's Only Sunshine! :)

To Blog or Not to Blog...

That is the question.

I feel like I have so much to say and so much to "document" but I'm never sure what I can or can not write on this blog. I usually try to only blog when I am feeling ok or have had a bad day with a good outcome; a life lesson learned sort of day. But there are days when I feel like crap and I have so much I just want to get out. I want to be that strong women that everyone looks up to and I want to hold my head up and look toward the future but there are only so many days I can do that. I do feel like I am doing well and I am thankful for all of the support but I don't want to let everyone down when I have a little pity party. I want to smile and I want to laugh and I do but I also want to cry and hurt without being the crying crazy lady in the store or the women who stares at every baby in a car seat.

So here it is: I have bad days and I have terrible nights. If you happen to catch me during one of these times don't be alarmed. :) I'll "snap to" soon enough. Just chat with me or give me a hug. Remind me of how lucky I was to get to spend the 8 most amazing weeks of my life with my beautiful Maxton.

Boy I sure do miss him.

Drawing the Line

This is still very new to me. I've had VERY important people in my life pass away but I was younger, they weren't completely dependent on me for care, and they were older and sick. So holding my beautiful son one night and then not the next is still hard to understand. And while I know that my Grandpa and Aunt Deb are looking down watching, I FEEL like Maxton is all around me. He is with me in the car and in bed snuggling between his Mommy and Daddy. We have "Max Time" while I am in the shower...I completely let my thoughts go and I get to talk to my little man. Kevin says this is ok for now but in about 10 years I probably shouldn't be talking to my son while I'm naked. :) I want to include him in things so I have one of his socks stuffed in my purse and I carried around his pinwheel like I was a proud Mommy. It makes me feel better knowing that I can still physically have a part of Maxton with me. But this is where it gets confusing. I'm not sure where exactly to draw the line on these things. I went to read to Max's grave last weekend and I really felt close to him. I liked it so much I thought that I should just go back later that day with a towel and my swimming suit to get a tan. Obviously that one crossed the line as my family looked at me like I was crazy! :) I want to "include" him in future family pictures but I don't want to look like a lunatic.
So I guess what I'm asking is for everyone to be patient with me. If you see me talking to myself, or rocking my stuffed turtle, or laying in a cemetery just smile and know that I am "with" my Max and that I am not crazy and I will eventually figure everything out.