What a day...

I've been dreading today (August 30th) for 2 reasons. The first I knew was coming. The second I knew was coming but didn't know when...and BAM it happened today. I guess today was as good a day as any.

Reason #1: My first appointment with Baby Burkey #2.

I keep envisioning something really bad happening. I am now very aware that babies can be taken away from you at any time. I'm worried that we will get to the Dr's office and he will tell me this is all some sort of figment of my imagination...that I don't have a beautiful baby growing in my belly. Strange I know but I can't help but be nervous. Also I am using the same OB that I used with Maxton. He is a good guy and is very personable. The last time I saw Dr. K was a short 3 and a 1/2 months ago. It was a 6 week check up and I took Mr. Max with me to show him off. Dr. K and I discussed options for postponing any future pregnancies as I assured him I was a VERY content Mommy and Maxton was all I needed for at least 2 more years. We laughed about those crazy women that don't take "precautions" and end up getting pregnant 3 months after their first child is born. Hmmm....I have suddenly become one of those crazy ladies I did plan on being. Not that I didn't want another baby so soon but I knew Max was all I needed for a little while. I'm pretty sure Dr. K doesn't know our handsome Maxton went to heaven and I can see how the situation will play out exactly. Dr. K will be surprised to see me, I will cry when I tell him what happened, and then the rest of the appointment will be awkward. Oh how things change. Now I desperately need the baby that I was pretty sure I didn't want to have for another few years and I miss the one that had made me so content in the first place. It's a good thing Kevin decided he wanted to go with me...I'm sure he has no idea how much I really need him there.

Reason #2: The Coroner's office called
When we were leaving the hospital the Coroner told us that the autopsy generally takes around 6 to 8 weeks to complete. I think I knew that there really was nothing I could have done to save my baby but I needed to know for sure. When we received his death certificate the cause of death read "Pending". That did nothing to help with my anxiety level and I had to call the coroner to see if they had any results. They said they were still working on Max's case and would call when they had received the final results. After we found out we were pregnant with Maxton's brother or sister it became even more important for me to clear up the "WHY'S" and "WHAT IF'S" surrounding my baby. If he died of something that could have been treated or because Kevin or I had passed on something genetically I wanted to know so that Baby #2 could be treated/tested right away. So Kevin and I have waited patiently to hear from someone we never really wanted to talk to in the first place. Well today was the day. I was sitting at the library at WSU doing homework and I received a call from an unknown number. She introduced herself as being from the Sedgwick County Coroner's office and I excused myself from the work lab. And then she proceeded to tell me that they did not find anything of importance and that the cause of Maxton's death had officially been recorded as SIDS. SIDS is actually a cause of exclusion. Basically that means that they did every single test they could do and there was no cause to be found. So I guess now it's final...but I still have so many questions. The chances of SIDS can be "decreased" but Kevin and I did everything right (well except the part where he slept with us but I'm very glad I had that time with my little man). So now I'm not sure what to think. I guess I was sort of hoping there was something we could have our future babies tested for that would assure me they would be with us forever. That, however, is not the case. But Mr. Max taught us to "love as if each day could be your last" so that's what we will do...just keep on lovin'...no matter what!