I Smelled My Max

Since it's been so nice out, Kevin and I have been opening our balcony door at night. It's so nice not to have to run the air conditioner. But the mornings are rather chilly in our bedroom!
This morning I got up early to read my homework assignment for class today. I got out of bed, felt cold, and decided it was time to bust out the white fuzzy robe I haven't worn for months. I just love this robe! It is long (but not too long that I trip on it), and it has pockets, and it is so snuggly. Well as I was laying in bed reading my sociology textbook I smelled my baby...a smell that instantly brought tears to my eyes! I guess I should have expected this...I wore this robe almost everyday while Max and I snuggled. :) So now I'm sitting here trying to decide if I'll ever take this robe off...do you think people would stare if I showed up in class with it on? :) Or maybe I'll put it back on the hanger behind my other two robes so that when I put it on tomorrow morning I get to smell Maxton again!

What a day...

I've been dreading today (August 30th) for 2 reasons. The first I knew was coming. The second I knew was coming but didn't know when...and BAM it happened today. I guess today was as good a day as any.

Reason #1: My first appointment with Baby Burkey #2.

I keep envisioning something really bad happening. I am now very aware that babies can be taken away from you at any time. I'm worried that we will get to the Dr's office and he will tell me this is all some sort of figment of my imagination...that I don't have a beautiful baby growing in my belly. Strange I know but I can't help but be nervous. Also I am using the same OB that I used with Maxton. He is a good guy and is very personable. The last time I saw Dr. K was a short 3 and a 1/2 months ago. It was a 6 week check up and I took Mr. Max with me to show him off. Dr. K and I discussed options for postponing any future pregnancies as I assured him I was a VERY content Mommy and Maxton was all I needed for at least 2 more years. We laughed about those crazy women that don't take "precautions" and end up getting pregnant 3 months after their first child is born. Hmmm....I have suddenly become one of those crazy ladies I did plan on being. Not that I didn't want another baby so soon but I knew Max was all I needed for a little while. I'm pretty sure Dr. K doesn't know our handsome Maxton went to heaven and I can see how the situation will play out exactly. Dr. K will be surprised to see me, I will cry when I tell him what happened, and then the rest of the appointment will be awkward. Oh how things change. Now I desperately need the baby that I was pretty sure I didn't want to have for another few years and I miss the one that had made me so content in the first place. It's a good thing Kevin decided he wanted to go with me...I'm sure he has no idea how much I really need him there.

Reason #2: The Coroner's office called
When we were leaving the hospital the Coroner told us that the autopsy generally takes around 6 to 8 weeks to complete. I think I knew that there really was nothing I could have done to save my baby but I needed to know for sure. When we received his death certificate the cause of death read "Pending". That did nothing to help with my anxiety level and I had to call the coroner to see if they had any results. They said they were still working on Max's case and would call when they had received the final results. After we found out we were pregnant with Maxton's brother or sister it became even more important for me to clear up the "WHY'S" and "WHAT IF'S" surrounding my baby. If he died of something that could have been treated or because Kevin or I had passed on something genetically I wanted to know so that Baby #2 could be treated/tested right away. So Kevin and I have waited patiently to hear from someone we never really wanted to talk to in the first place. Well today was the day. I was sitting at the library at WSU doing homework and I received a call from an unknown number. She introduced herself as being from the Sedgwick County Coroner's office and I excused myself from the work lab. And then she proceeded to tell me that they did not find anything of importance and that the cause of Maxton's death had officially been recorded as SIDS. SIDS is actually a cause of exclusion. Basically that means that they did every single test they could do and there was no cause to be found. So I guess now it's final...but I still have so many questions. The chances of SIDS can be "decreased" but Kevin and I did everything right (well except the part where he slept with us but I'm very glad I had that time with my little man). So now I'm not sure what to think. I guess I was sort of hoping there was something we could have our future babies tested for that would assure me they would be with us forever. That, however, is not the case. But Mr. Max taught us to "love as if each day could be your last" so that's what we will do...just keep on lovin'...no matter what!

Pregnancy with Max

I was going through my little notebook and found my "journal" from the early days of my pregnancy with Maxton. I didn't end up writing in it very long but I thought the content was worth sharing. Some of it is a little "graphic" but overall I really enjoyed reading it and I thought it would be ok to share. :)

Aug 11th, 2010
5 weeks and 1 day

Oh I'm so not a "journaler" but I thought this would be a great idea/way to remember all the neat little stuff throughout my pregnancy.
So here it goes...
It all started a few months ago at Ami and Heath's wedding. As Kevin and I were dancing, we decided we were ready for babies. So I stopped taking my birth control. We honestly thought it would take a while for us to get pregnant but nope...we must be fertile folks. I noticed a few weeks ago that my breasts were very tender, to the point it hurt to shower. I was also having cramps but I passed it off as becoming used to being birth control free. On Tues. Aug. 3rd, I was still having cramps and I knew something "wasn't quite right" so I called the doc and made an appt for Thurs. the 5th. I was "possibly" 3 days late for my period by Thursday morning so I decided to pee on a stick. Well I heard you are supposed to use morning urine as it is most concentrated with hormone so at 5:30 AM there I am in the bathroom, half asleep, trying to open this PG test. As you guessed, it came back with a + sign. I was excited and shaky. I ran to the bedroom and turned on the light to make Kevin look. The first thing he said was, "How do you know what it (the + sign) means?" The second things was, "You better call your Mom!" She didn't answer her cell phone at 5:37 but I couldn't fall back asleep so I called again at 6:00 AM. She was so excited but also nervous about my cramping.
I had that Thursday off from work and 2:30 wasn't going by fast enough! When I got to the Dr. I told her what was gong on and she just knew I was pregnant but did the test just to make sure! We talked about the cramping and she assured me it was normal and that I needed to be healthy but keep living my (our) life because there is nothing I could do to prevent anything bad. I called my Mom and again she was super excited. I asked if I could have a stroller for my B-day and she said no but maybe maternity clothes!! :) I went shopping after I found out...it seemed like the right thing to do as I hear once you have children you never get anything for yourself?!? LOL I bought a purple necklace and I bought Kevin golf shoes...That's how I officially told him he was going to be a daddy! It was awesome and he was very happy. Right away he called his family who were also very excited!
From that point, the last 6 days have honestly been a whirlwind. Friday at work went by so quickly. We decided to tell everyone right away as we knew we couldn't keep "it" a secret. Kevin also decided to call "it" Max because "it" doesn't sound right. So from now on, I will write about/to Max. Saturday was the Boxberger open and all my family found out as I was the DD for the day.
I must say that Max was an instant hit. Oh and I told my dad on Friday night and he was happy...he's ready to be a G-pa I think! Saturday night we went out with Matt and Dena...what a long, fun night but the next morning came early! Sunday was church with Bob and Darlene and lunch with G-ma Boxberger and Mom and Dad. An afternoon nap and a B-day party for Kevin's Uncle Rich rounded out the day. Monday flew by and Tuesday we drove to KC to buy a family friendly car! Yeah! Daddy is being so good about you Max! Even giving up his Jeep...
And now to today...
I am still having lots of cramps and everyone said I would be tired but I didn't think that would happen so fast. I fell asleep at lunch today. I love being pregnant, not so much the pain but knowing that all of this is for something! I'm not sure how it happens but I'm already in love with the pea size Max in my belly. I constantly think about him and have started being better at things like drinking H2O and eating breakfast in the last 6 days! And I think Kevin is falling in love too...he tells Max goodnight and kisses my not at all getting big yet belly! Love it! I think we will do just fine at being parents! Well I made lasagna for super so we're gonna eat now!
Oh I forgot...everyone at work says, "WE are having a baby" like it's a group effort! How cute!
Good night Max,
Love
Mommy

The "+ sign" that told us we were pregnant with Max! :)

And Then There were 4...

So there it is...our BIG news!

Whew...I never thought I would be blogging about being pregnant with my second child only four months after having my first. And I sure didn't believe that I would be using a chalk board at a cemetery to do it. But I'm making life work for me. :) In an odd way it is sort of comforting to believe that Maxton already knows his brother or sister and that maybe he hand picked this child for Kevin and me. :) Mr. Max was a good baby and I'm hoping he taught Baby #2 a few lessons on taking "baffies" and how to snuggle with Mommy.

So you might be asking how it is that Kevin and I decided it was "the right time" to add Baby Burkey #2 into our little family. Well you see, there were many factors that played in but in the end I think we both just knew!

We miss our son very much and are in no way trying to "replace" him. I truly believe it would be nearly impossible to replicate how perfect Maxton was for us. He taught us how to be good parents and in the end he strengthened our love for each other. So while we will continue to cry for what we are missing out on we will smile for what is yet to come with Max's little brother or sister. :)

Prayer

Boy how my prayers have changed over the last few months. I will start by saying that I was never really a "stop everything and pray" kind of girl. When I read posts asking for prayers on Facebook I generally would think of the individual or situation for a few seconds and then move on. If there were someone or something that I felt strongly about I would pray for miracles, asking God to cure or fix whatever needed to be cured or fixed completely. I know miracles happen...I've seen them. I have also witnessed miracles not happen. Hence my new prayer "strategy". Now days as I scroll through FB, the prayer requests really catch my attention. I stop at that very moment and say my "revised" miracle prayer. I ask God to heal the person completely as I did before but at the end I throw in a little twist. I now include a part asking God to also look after the people who love the sick or injured person and to let them know that sometimes miracles don't happen but that they will make it through. And at the very end I say something along the lines of "please help everyone to know that the love they have for each other will still be present even if they can't be together on Earth."

I think it's amazing how much an eight week old beautiful baby boy taught his Momma about prayer and life. I love you Maxton and I miss you.